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so i went hiking today. it made me realize that im really out of shape. i dont want to be skinny though, just in shape. i think ill start walking, then joging, then running. i dont know. somthin

so i guess God is quite clear on his messages. dad and i went and had lunch. we were GOING to talk about me going to Atlanta, but he went on and said, "i dont want you to goto atlanta" and that was kinda the end of it. so i guess that was the "sign" i was looking for. i went and piked up my pay check. i wasnt too bad. 300 bucks in 2 weeks is actually really good, so im not complainin one bit. heres the crap part, 200 of that goes to the lovely car insurance. yeay, go driving! then went to the coffee house at like 4 and stayed there till like 10. i love it there. i was supposed to goto this thing called vitality. its a worship type deal of friday nights, but i just dont feel like i ever get anything out of it. so i called my dad and told him exactly that, and he was so quick to respond with, your only going to get out what you put it. i guess he hasnt watched me the past few weeks there. i sing my "little" heart out every time we sing, and its not for me or the others around me, its me talking to God. but i also feel like i dont need to be in a room full of people in order to do that. i feel i can be in the parking lot at wendy's waitin on my jr. bacon cheeseburger and small fry and do it. so it kind of frustrated me. so then one of the guys called me, from vitality. the only way he could have gotten my number was through dad. so my dad gave this guy my number so he could call me and ask why i hadnt been there in the past few weeks. now i hate confrontation, so i didnt answer. i kind of beat around the bush. so he went on saying how he missed me and told me to come on down before it started. so i told him i was busy hangin out with a friend but that i would come next week. so i gave in. my dad put me in this awkward position that i had no need to even be in. so now i feel like a terrible person who doesnt put anything into his relationship and walk with Christ, and it sucks really bad. Its like, i want to be at Johnson so bad right now, so that i can see how good i have it. i know im stinkin lucky, but everyone is greedy, and im sick of my dad and i having these little arguments over nothing and then i get upset with him that i dont really even want to be around him. i just want my dad to realize im actually growing up. im 19 in sept and going to college. ive gone from not really having anything to do with god 3 years ago, to now not being able to stop looking up and smiling at how awsome He is. i know that when he gets home were going to have a talk about me not going tonight, and im going to give in and say, "i guess i just dont have a good enough relationship" or ," im just a bad person" because thats how i feel. its my dads way or no way, or atleast at seems. but i would never tell him this, oh no. the last time he and i had a talk about somthing, it was so emotional. i hold in my feelings. if someone bugs me, theyll probably never know. so i dont want to talk to my dad about this. i just want it to be done. my dad and i having a serious one on one conversation is my greatest fear. he looks down at me and i feel no bigger than the moth on our kitchen light.

i was actually talking to Andy, my youth minister, about it tonight and he said, "you know, i think your so lucky to have this awesome looking relationship with your dad" and i told him that thats how it looked isnt it. he agreed. and then i told him, everythings different behind closed doors. i know my dad loves me, and i know i love him. id die for the man. but we really need to be apart for us to realize how much we care. i want him to see that i AM independent and that i DONT need him hovering over my every step. ive never made any major mistakes in my life. the drugs and sex and drinking thing have never been existent. (dad just got home.) but like i said, ive never ever wanted to do them or anything. he and i made this deal that he would leave me alone and not ask me anything about school for a quarter, and we'd see how my grades turned out. i got the highest GPA i had ever received. but once that quarter was up, he was back to nagging, and grades went down. i feel if he would let me be, then i would then finally have a chance to shine.

i want to go into the world and make a difference, but i cant if i feel like i have my dad judging my every decision. He's watered the flower all he can. ya know, too much water, it dies, too little in dies, he's at that point where if theres any more, im gunna whilt, and all his hard work will have turned to waste.

ok, im sorry for venting, but i needed to. jake just called so i think he and i are gunna maybe play guitar or sumthin. if you read this cool, maybe throw your 2 cents in and let me know whether im just being selfish, or if i may have somthing.

thanks a ton guys!

Jo